Montevista | Finding Meaning After Loss: The Sixth Stage of Grief
Finding Meaning After Loss: The Sixth Stage of Grief
After experiencing profound loss, many people eventually ask: “How do I move forward with this pain? Can something meaningful emerge from this devastation?” In recent years, grief expert David Kessler—who co-authored On Grief and Grieving with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross—proposed adding a sixth stage to the classic five stages of grief: finding meaning.
This stage doesn’t suggest your loved one’s death happened “for a reason,” nor does it imply you must find silver linings or forced positivity. Instead, it acknowledges that many people, over time, find ways to integrate loss into their lives that honor both their pain and their loved one’s legacy—and that this meaning-making can be part of healing.
Understanding the Sixth Stage
David Kessler introduced the concept of finding meaning as a sixth stage after his own son died suddenly.
What finding meaning is NOT
Before explaining what this stage means, let’s clarify what it doesn’t mean:
It’s not: – “Everything happens for a reason” – Justifying the death – Finding good in the loss itself – Required for healing – Minimizing pain – Moving on or forgetting – Something that happens quickly – The same for everyone
You don’t have to find meaning to heal. This stage describes a common experience, not a requirement or goal you must achieve.
What finding meaning IS
Finding meaning involves: – Discovering ways to honor your loved one’s life and legacy – Integrating the loss into your life story rather than being defined by it – Finding purpose that connects to the person or the experience of loss – Transforming pain into something that serves you or others – Creating continuing bonds with your loved one – Personal growth that emerged through the grief journey
The meaning is yours to define. It’s deeply personal and looks different for everyone.
How it relates to the other stages
The five traditional stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance—describe the emotional territory of early grief. Finding meaning typically emerges later, after you’ve moved through acute grief.
Timeline: – Stages 1-5: Usually most intense in first months to years – Stage 6: Often emerges gradually over months, years, or even decades
Relationship: Finding meaning doesn’t replace the other stages. You may still experience anger, sadness, or other grief emotions while also finding meaning.
The Difference Between Acceptance and Meaning
Many people confuse the fifth stage (acceptance) with finding meaning. They’re related but distinct.
Acceptance (Stage 5)
Acceptance means: – Acknowledging the reality of the loss – Recognizing the person won’t return – Learning to live with the loss – No longer fighting or denying the reality
Acceptance is about the present: “This is my reality now. My loved one has died, and I must find a way to live with this.”
Finding Meaning (Stage 6)
Meaning goes further: – Asking “What now?” after accepting the reality – Discovering purpose connected to the loss – Honoring their legacy through action – Finding ways the experience changed or grew you
Meaning is about the future: “How do I carry this forward? What can I do with this experience? How do I honor what they meant to me?”
You can have acceptance without meaning
Some people accept their loss and rebuild their lives without finding particular meaning in the loss itself—and that’s completely valid. Not everyone’s grief journey includes this stage.
How People Find Meaning After Loss
Meaning-making takes many forms. Here are common ways people discover meaning following devastating loss.
Honoring their legacy
Through actions that reflect the person’s values: – Continuing their unfinished work – Supporting causes they cared about – Living by principles they taught you – Sharing their wisdom with others
Example: After losing her father to heart disease, Maria became an advocate for heart health, organizing community screening events that have helped dozens of people catch issues early.
The meaning: Her father’s death motivated action that prevents others from experiencing similar loss.
Helping others facing similar loss
Many people find purpose in: – Starting support groups – Mentoring newly bereaved people – Sharing their story to help others feel less alone – Advocating for others in similar circumstances
Example: Jason’s partner died by suicide. Years later, he facilitates a suicide loss survivors group, providing the understanding he desperately needed in early grief.
The meaning: His devastating experience now helps others navigate similar pain.
Creating memorials or tributes
Tangible ways to honor the person: – Scholarships in their name – Memorial gardens or benches – Annual events celebrating their life – Charitable foundations – Creative works (books, art, music) about or inspired by them
Example: After their daughter died in a car accident, the Chen family created an annual scholarship for student athletes at her school, ensuring her name and spirit continue to touch young lives.
The meaning: The person’s impact continues despite their physical absence.
Personal growth and transformation
Discovering strengths or changes within yourself: – “I’m more compassionate after experiencing loss” – “I don’t take relationships for granted anymore” – “I’m braver than I thought” – “I have a deeper appreciation for life” – “I understand what really matters now”
Example: After losing his mother, David realized he’d been living for others’ expectations. Her death prompted him to pursue meaningful work he’d always avoided, honoring her encouragement to “live fully.”
The meaning: The loss catalyzed important life changes.
Deepening relationships
Loss often transforms how we relate to others: – Strengthening family bonds through shared grief – Developing deeper friendships – Being more present with loved ones – Expressing love more openly – Prioritizing relationships over achievements
Example: Losing her sister made Alicia realize she’d been distant from her remaining siblings. She now makes weekly video calls and annual gatherings a priority.
The meaning: Loss taught the value of connection and prompted action to strengthen relationships.
Spiritual or philosophical growth
For some, loss prompts: – Deepening religious faith – Developing new spiritual practices – Wrestling with and refining beliefs about life, death, and meaning – Finding peace with unanswerable questions – Connecting to something larger than themselves
Example: Michael had always been agnostic. After his wife’s death, he found comfort in meditation and Buddhist philosophy about impermanence, which helped him hold both grief and peace.
The meaning: The loss opened spiritual doors that now provide ongoing support.
Continuing bonds
Maintaining connection with the person: – Talking to them in your mind – Feeling their guidance in decisions – Sensing their presence – Keeping their memory alive through stories – Incorporating their values into your life
Modern grief theory recognizes continuing bonds as healthy, not pathological.
Example: Before major decisions, Elena asks herself, “What would Mom advise?” This internal dialogue provides comfort and keeps her mother’s wisdom present.
The meaning: The relationship continues in transformed ways.
Post-Traumatic Growth
Research into post-traumatic growth (PTG) provides scientific validation for the idea that people can grow through devastating experiences.
What research shows
Studies find that many people who experience trauma, including bereavement, report: – Greater appreciation for life – Closer relationships with others – Increased personal strength – Recognition of new possibilities – Spiritual development
Important: Growth and suffering coexist. You don’t “get over” the loss; rather, you grow around it.
PTG doesn’t mean the trauma was worth it
Critical distinction: – Growth after trauma ≠ trauma was good – Finding meaning ≠ the death was meant to happen – Positive changes ≠ you’re glad it happened
You can simultaneously: – Wish the death never happened – Recognize ways you’ve grown through grief – Feel both pain and gratitude – Carry both loss and meaning
The Timeline for Finding Meaning
There’s no schedule for when or if meaning emerges.
Early grief: Survival, not meaning
In acute grief (weeks to months): Most people are simply surviving, not finding meaning. This is normal and appropriate.
You’re focused on: – Processing the reality of the loss – Managing overwhelming emotions – Getting through each day – Basic functioning
Meaning-making usually isn’t accessible yet. The wound is too fresh.
Middle grief: Glimmers of possibility
As grief becomes less acute (months to years): Some people begin noticing small meanings or changes emerging.
You might notice: – Wanting to honor the person in some way – Feeling different about priorities or values – Considering how to carry them forward – Small purposes beginning to form
Later grief: Integration and meaning
Years after loss: Many people report finding deeper meaning, though this varies widely.
Meaning often emerges: – Gradually, not suddenly – Unexpectedly – Through action, not just thought – In layers over time
Some never find meaning—and that’s okay
Not everyone experiences this stage, and that’s completely valid. You can heal, adapt, and live a full life without finding particular meaning in the loss.
It’s okay if: – You never find meaning – Finding meaning feels impossible or offensive – You resent the suggestion that loss should be meaningful – Your grief path doesn’t include this stage
How to Explore Finding Meaning
If you’re interested in exploring meaning-making (and only if you’re ready), here are gentle approaches.
Ask exploratory questions
Questions to consider (no right answers): – What did this person teach me that I want to carry forward? – How has this experience changed me? – What would honor them or their memory? – Is there any purpose I might create from this pain? – How do I want to be different because of knowing them? – What do I want others to remember about them?
Don’t force answers. Let them arise naturally when you’re ready.
Notice what calls to you
Pay attention to: – Activities that feel meaningful – Ways you want to honor them – Changes happening within you – Purposes that emerge organically
Trust your instincts about what feels right for you.
Take small actions
Meaning often emerges through doing, not just thinking: – Volunteer for a cause they cared about – Share their story – Create something in their memory – Help someone facing similar loss – Live by a value they embodied
Start small and see what resonates.
Connect with others
Discuss meaning-making with: – Support groups – Grief counselor – Friends or family who knew the person – Others further along in grief
Hearing others’ experiences can spark ideas about your own meaning-making.
Write about the loss
Journaling prompts: – What I learned from [name] – How I’ve changed since the loss – What I want others to know about them – Ways I see their influence in my life now – What gives me comfort when I think of them
Writing helps clarify emerging meaning.
Honor continuing bonds
Ways to maintain connection: – Talk to them (aloud or mentally) – Ask “What would they say?” – Keep meaningful objects – Create rituals on special dates – Share stories about them
Continued connection can be meaningful.
When Meaning Feels Forced or Offensive
Some people find the concept of finding meaning uncomfortable or even offensive.
Valid reasons to resist meaning-making
You might feel: – “There’s no meaning in my child’s death” – “Finding meaning feels like justifying the loss” – “I don’t want to grow from this; I want them back” – “Meaning-making minimizes my pain” – “This should never have happened—period”
These feelings are completely legitimate. You don’t owe anyone meaning, including yourself.
When society pushes meaning prematurely
Unhelpful pressure: – “Everything happens for a reason” – “What did you learn from this?” – “At least something good came from it” – “They’d want you to find purpose”
These statements, especially early in grief, can feel invalidating.
Your response: “I’m not there yet” or “That’s not how I experience this” or “I’d prefer not to discuss it that way.”
Meaning isn’t mandatory
You can live a rich, full life while believing the loss was purely tragic with no redemptive meaning. The absence of meaning doesn’t indicate failure or incomplete healing.
Supporting Someone in the Meaning-Making Stage
If someone you know is exploring meaning after loss, here’s how to support them.
Let them lead
Don’t push meaning-making: – Don’t ask “What good came from this?” – Don’t suggest silver linings – Don’t share stories of others who found meaning
Let them bring it up if and when they’re ready.
Validate their meaning
When they share meaning they’ve found: – “That’s a beautiful way to honor them” – “I can see how much that means to you” – “What a meaningful tribute”
Support their unique path.
Respect if they don’t find meaning
If they say they see no meaning: – Don’t argue or offer alternative perspectives – Don’t imply they should find meaning – Accept their experience without trying to change it
Help with meaningful actions
Offer practical support: – “Would you like help organizing that memorial event?” – “I’d be honored to contribute to the scholarship fund” – “Let me know if you want company at the volunteer event”
Actions speak louder than words.
Living with Both Pain and Meaning
Finding meaning doesn’t erase grief or make the loss “worth it.”
Holding paradox
You can simultaneously: – Find your loved one’s death utterly tragic AND create meaning from your grief experience – Wish it never happened AND feel grateful for ways you’ve grown – Experience profound pain AND discover unexpected purpose – Want them back desperately AND honor their legacy through action
Both truths coexist. One doesn’t cancel the other.
Meaning changes over time
What feels meaningful may evolve: – Early: simply surviving honors their memory – Later: specific actions or changes become meaningful – Years later: integrated understanding of how loss shaped you
Meaning isn’t static—it grows and shifts as you do.
Your Grief, Your Meaning
Whether you find meaning immediately, years later, or never at all, your grief journey is uniquely yours. The sixth stage describes a possibility, not a prescription.
Remember: – There’s no timeline for finding meaning – You don’t have to find meaning to heal – Your meaning doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s – Meaning and pain coexist – You can change your mind about meaning over time – Not finding meaning is equally valid
The question isn’t “Should I find meaning?” but rather “What feels true and healing for me?”
Support for Your Grief Journey
Whether you’re exploring meaning-making or simply navigating day-to-day grief, support can help you find your unique path forward.
For information about grief support resources in the Bay Area: Call 510-299-1174