Montevista | Pre-Planning for Couples: Planning Together
Pre-Planning for Couples: Planning Together
Pre-planning as a couple allows you to coordinate final arrangements, ensure you’re buried or memorialized together if desired, and make joint decisions that reflect your shared values. Planning together also ensures the surviving partner knows exactly what the other wants, eliminating guesswork during grief.
This guide explores how couples can approach pre-planning, from coordinating burial plots to navigating different preferences respectfully. You’ll learn what decisions to make jointly and where individual preferences matter most.
Benefits of Planning Together as a Couple
Mutual understanding. You both know each other’s wishes directly rather than guessing.
Coordinated arrangements. Services and burial plans can complement each other.
Reduced burden on survivor. The surviving partner has one less major decision during early grief.
Joint financial planning. You can coordinate funding and budget together.
Companion burial options. Planning together simplifies arranging side-by-side or double-depth burial.
Shared values reflected. Joint planning ensures both partners’ values shape the plans.
Opportunity for important conversations. Discussing death and legacy together can deepen your relationship.
Starting the Conversation
Bringing up funeral planning with your spouse or partner can feel awkward. Here’s how to approach it:
Choose a calm, private moment. Not during an argument or stressful time.
Be direct but gentle. “I think we should talk about funeral planning” works better than dancing around the topic.
Frame it positively. “This is something we can do to help each other” or “It’s practical planning, like our will.”
Connect to current events. “After attending [Name]’s funeral, I’ve been thinking about our own plans.”
Start with questions. “Have you thought about your funeral preferences?” opens dialogue.
Acknowledge discomfort. “I know this isn’t fun to discuss, but I think it’s important.”
Most couples find that once started, the conversation becomes easier than anticipated.
Key Decisions for Couples
Burial Together or Separately
Companion burial options: – Side-by-side plots in the same cemetery – Double-depth plots (one casket above the other in single plot) – Companion mausoleum crypts – Shared columbarium niche for urns
Considerations: – Do you both want burial, or does one prefer cremation? – How important is being buried together? – Family plot considerations (buried with birth family vs. spouse) – Second marriages (previous spouse buried elsewhere)
It’s okay to have different preferences. Some couples choose separate locations based on family, religious, or personal reasons.
Timing: Who Plans First?
Options: – Plan simultaneously (most common) – Older spouse plans first, younger follows later – One spouse plans, other decides individually – Plan together but finalize at different times
Age gap considerations: If there’s a significant age difference, the older partner might prioritize finalizing plans while the younger partner plans more generally.
Service Type: Joint or Separate
Joint memorial service (uncommon): If deaths occur close together, one service might honor both. More common for elderly couples who die within months.
Coordinated but separate: Services with similar style, same location, complementary elements.
Completely independent: Each person plans their own service independently.
Most couples plan separate services but coordinate the general approach (traditional, religious, celebratory, etc.).
Religious or Spiritual Approach
If you share faith traditions: Coordination is straightforward—plan within shared tradition.
If you have different faiths: – Secular services that honor both – Separate services in respective traditions – Blended elements from both traditions – One partner defers to other’s tradition
If one is religious, one isn’t: Discuss how to honor both perspectives respectfully.
Financial Coordination
Joint vs. separate funding: – Pay from joint accounts or savings – Each pays for their own from separate funds – One spouse covers both – Combine life insurance proceeds
Pre-payment decisions: – Pre-pay both plans simultaneously – Pre-pay one now, other later – Don’t pre-pay either
Budget alignment: Ensure you’re comfortable with spending similar or different amounts based on preferences.
Navigating Different Preferences
It’s common for couples to want different things. Here’s how to handle disagreements respectfully:
Burial vs. Cremation Differences
If one wants burial and one wants cremation:
Options: – Companion burial plot with space for casket and urn – One buried, one cremated and buried in same plot – Separate locations that feel right for each – Cremated remains buried with casket of other spouse
Discussion points: – Why does each preference matter to you? – Can you find compromise that honors both? – Are you comfortable with different choices?
Service Style Differences
If you envision different service types:
Remember: These are separate events for different people. It’s okay to want different styles.
One wants formal, one wants casual: Each service can reflect individual personality.
One wants religious, one wants secular: Honor individual beliefs.
One wants large gathering, one wants intimate: Each service serves different person’s personality.
Key principle: Your funeral should reflect YOU, not your spouse’s preferences.
Location Preferences
If you prefer different locations:
Family connection considerations: – One wants to be near birth family – Other wants to be near children – Geographic ties to different places
Practical factors: – Where will surviving spouse be living? – Where are children/grandchildren? – Accessibility for visitors
It’s okay to be buried in different locations if that’s what feels right for each person.
Cost and Budget Differences
If one wants elaborate service and one wants simple:
Respect individual values: – One person valuing simplicity doesn’t mean the other can’t have more – Different costs are okay if budgets allow – Discuss what’s affordable and appropriate
Ensure fairness: – If estate pays both funerals, should they cost similarly? – Or is it fair for each to cost what that person wants?
Communicate about money: Money disagreements require honest discussion about budgets and values.
Practical Coordination Steps
Step 1: Individual Reflection
Before discussing together, each person should: – Think about their own preferences – Clarify what matters most personally – Identify non-negotiables vs. flexible items – Consider budget thoughts
Having individual clarity helps joint discussions.
Step 2: Share and Discuss
Set aside dedicated time to discuss preferences together.
Share your thoughts: – What you’ve decided you want – Why certain things matter to you – Where you’re flexible – What you’re unsure about
Listen actively: – Really hear your partner’s reasons – Don’t judge or criticize preferences different from yours – Ask clarifying questions
Find common ground: – What do you agree on? – Where can you coordinate? – Where will you plan separately?
Step 3: Visit Funeral Homes and Cemeteries Together
Tour facilities together: – See options in person – Ask questions together – Get sense of places and people
Benefits of visiting together: – Shared understanding of options – Opportunity to ask questions neither thought of alone – Make decisions collaboratively
You can also visit separately if one partner is ready before the other.
Step 4: Make Decisions
Decide on: – Burial location (same cemetery or different) – If same cemetery, companion plots or separate areas – General service approach – Budget and funding – Whether to pre-pay – Who to tell about your plans
Document separately: Each person should have their own funeral wishes document.
Step 5: Communicate with Family
Tell adult children together: Explaining your plans together reduces likelihood of confusion.
Share who’s handling what: – Are you both using same funeral home? – Do you have different designated people to handle arrangements? – Where is documentation for each person’s plans?
Special Situations for Couples
Second Marriages
Complex considerations: – Previous spouse may be buried elsewhere – Children from first marriage may have expectations – Family plot decisions – Estate and payment questions
Clear communication essential: – Discuss with new spouse openly – Consider children’s feelings from all families – Document wishes clearly
Options: – Plan with new spouse, separate from first spouse – Maintain connection to first spouse’s burial site – Create entirely new plan
There’s no one right answer—do what feels right for your situation.
Significant Age Gaps
When one partner is much older:
Older partner should: – Finalize detailed plans sooner – Consider pre-paying to simplify for younger spouse – Make wishes very clear
Younger partner can: – Plan more generally now – Finalize details later – Focus on supporting older partner’s planning
Prepare for long gap: Younger spouse may live many years after older spouse dies.
Same-Sex Couples
All guidance applies equally to same-sex couples.
Special considerations: – Ensure legal documentation supports your wishes – In traditional families, make sure partner’s authority is clear – Consider family dynamics if some relatives aren’t supportive
Legal protections: Marriage provides legal protections. Ensure all documents reflect your married status.
Unmarried Long-Term Partners
Without marriage, legal protections differ:
Critical steps: – Make formal pre-arrangements designating partner – Create clear legal documentation – Ensure partner has authority to make decisions – Consider pre-paying to prevent family interference
Communicate clearly with families: Family may not have legal authority, but clear documentation helps.
When One Partner Isn’t Ready
If one partner wants to plan but the other isn’t ready:
Don’t pressure. Some people need more time.
Plan for yourself. You can pre-plan independently.
Leave door open. “When you’re ready, let’s discuss planning for you too.”
Provide information. Share articles or materials they can review at their own pace.
Respect the timeline. They’ll engage when ready.
After One Partner Dies
Surviving partner considerations:
Review your own plans: – Do they still make sense? – Do you want to modify anything based on experience?
Update documentation: – Remove deceased spouse from your plans – Update who should handle your arrangements
Consider if changes needed: – Do you want to be buried with spouse as planned? – Has your thinking changed?
Grief affects planning: Some people find comfort in finalizing their own plans after losing a spouse. Others aren’t ready for some time.
Key Takeaways
Pre-planning as a couple strengthens your preparation:
- Planning together ensures mutual understanding and coordinated arrangements
- Different preferences are normal and should be respected
- Companion burial options allow couples to be buried together
- Open communication about money, preferences, and values is essential
- Individual documentation is important even when planning together
- Special situations like second marriages require extra thoughtfulness
- Flexibility allows one partner to plan even if the other isn’t ready
Pre-planning together is a gift you give each other—the gift of clarity, preparation, and reduced burden during grief.
Couples Pre-Planning at Monte Vista Memorial Gardens
Monte Vista welcomes couples planning together. We can show you companion burial options, discuss coordinated services, and help you navigate different preferences respectfully. Whether you’re planning identical arrangements or completely different approaches, we support your choices.
Call 510-299-1174 to schedule a couples consultation where we’ll help you plan together at whatever level of detail feels right for both of you.